hi mom.

i know you read my blog sometimes.

i saw you looking at it on your iPad the other day.

and i know you don't want me to know that you do.

but i'm not an idiot.

i know.

but i don't know how often you read what i write.

and i hope it's not too frequently.

because there are some things about me that i don't think you'll want to know.

trust me.

but if you are reading this there are a few things you should know.

things that i can't tell you directly.

because you would slap me.

or you would cry.

1. i swear.

a lot.

i say fuck all the time.

even under my breath when we're in the same room.

2. i have gone to third base with someone in the past month.

someone i know you don't like.

sorry.

3. i hate going to church more than anything in the world.

4. i want to get a tattoo.

i know you already know this and that you think i won't do it.

but i'm already looking for artist.

i was being serious when i told you about it in the car last week.

5. i have done more self harm than i have told you about.

i didn't want to scare you.

so i kept my mouth shut.

6. i don't like my current therapist.

i can't be open up to her because i feel like she would judge me.

i feel the same way about you.

7. i love you.

more than anyone.

and i don't tell you these things because i love you too much.

i don't want you to hate me.

i don't want you to feel cheated with the one child that you got.

so when you ask me deep questions and i don't answer please don't get mad at me.

i'm doing it for your own good.

i'm doing it so that you'll ask me those questions tomorrow, and the day after that.

i'm doing it so you'll love the parts of me that i show you.

i only want you to see the good in me.

i want to save you from the bad.

i don't want to break your heart.

but the lord know's i already have.



i love you mom.



i'm sorry.

here i am.

is anyone still here?

if you are, i'm sorry i left.

i just couldn't write for a while.

it hurt too much.

and it sill hurts.

but i'm here.

i'm ready to bleed.

i'm ready to fall again.

because i miss the scars this gave me.

i miss cutting myself open and stitching myself back together.

i miss telling strangers my secrets.

so here i am.

here i am.

listen.

acclimatization

falling in love with you was like jumping into a pool after soaking in a hot tub

it took my breath away and it gave me such a rush, but it happened all too fast



and now i'm just cold

it's 1:39 am

if a guy walked in here with a gun and pointed it to my head

and if he asked me if i had any last words before he pulled the trigger

i would say that i love you

because i wouldn't want to die without saying it out loud 

even if you weren't around to hear me say it

blue blood and red wine

if you saw the blood that flows in my veins

maybe you'd remember how beautiful i was on the inside

see this blood was royal and had notes of blue

but you tainted it with the nicotine that traced your breath

it pumped through my heart when you kissed my neck

my blood slowed down when your lips brushed alcohol

but it never stopped flowing darling because you said i was like wine

because it knew when you murmured my name to him

because it moved when you told him that my lips were soft

but it halted when you kissed him and my heart stopped

it's been two months and i don't know how i'm living

because this blood is cold and its barely moving

but your's is burning and it's .08 precent wine

at least i'm in your blood like your in mine

their both pumping as result of our mistakes

but yours is hot and mine is frozen and yours i crave

so pour me a glass of your boiling elixir to warm my blood

i'll toast to our health and to our broken hearts love

and i'll knock it back and feel it burn in my veins

with your hand on my chest you'll feel the pumps begin

and i'll wish you wanted a glass of me to feel us again

but i know you'd never drink it cause it was never sweet like his

so i'll just savor the cup of you i had and let my veins feel warm and sore

and your red will make this blue blood beautiful once more

3:01

it's three in the morning and all i can think about is what your skin felt like when it stroked my cheek.

and i don't know why i'm still fixated on it because it only happened twice.

and you always said that my lips were so soft but they were rough compared to your touch darling.

and you would play Billie Holiday in the car because i loved her and perhaps you loved me.

but i highly doubt you did because you never told me you would be leaving in two weeks.

but your touch felt like love and i hope my lips felt like love to you because they were filled with it.

so when you kiss him tonight, touch him the way you touched me.

because if i can never experience it again, at least let another get a taste of what heaven feels like.

wax wings sun water

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"

i am falling and these wings of mine are useless as shit. the sea is below me and it looks cold as f&$% and i'm scared. i don't want to fall Dad. i don't want to die Dad.

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"

she looks so beautiful and when i look at her my heart feels like it's plummeting. i know that i can't let myself go but i can't help myself. she is the sun. i am wax.

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"

i am climbing mount olympus to find the gods but i'm at the top and all i see are clouds. i hope they're hiding. i want them to be responsible for my fate. i don't want to be responsible for my stupidity.

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"

the sea is getting closer and i can almost feel the cold. so i turn to face the sun, i turn to face my Dad crying in anguish. he said to fly low. but i just wanted to soar.

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"




"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm fal

read this in two months

we're all going to regret this later

we're all going to regret making that one offensive joke

we're all going to regret kissing the girl that distracted us from the one we would die for

we're all going to regret going to that party

we're all going to regret this summer


but it's ok


because this summer we wrote

this summer we connected with strangers

this summer we fell in love with words

this summer we discovered more of ourselves


and that's what matters


because between all the regrets we'll have poems to fill the gaps

we'll have secret crushes to make our lips ache

we'll have pen names outline the pain

we'll have our truths revealed


and yes we may regret this later


but for now, we'll be alright

so-cal > salt lake

warm > cold

coke > diet coke

5 o'clock shadows > clean shaven

piercings < tattoos 

ice cream > cake

coffee > tea

ciggarettes = alcohol

honesty > cheating

blonde = brunette

black > blue

broken heart < virginity

she > me

oxymorons

she looked like snow white 

and she danced like Rihanna

and she smiled like a child

and she smelled like sugar

she had hair like obsidian

and she kissed like Juliet

and she laughed like a frat boy

and she glowed like the moon

she was soft like a feather

and she spoke like a queen

and she walked like a model

and inside she felt like a sinner

he looked like a drug addict

and he danced like a drunk dad

and he smiled like an idiot

and he smelled like weed

he had hair like fire

and he kissed like Romeo

and he laughed like a chain smoker

and he glowed like the sun

he was hard as a rock

and he spoke like a teenage dirtbag

and he walked like he was the shit

and inside he felt like a nobody

she liked him

and he liked her

and they would've liked each other

if they both didn't feel like shit

weeds

my heart lies in the school yards filled with dandelions

where the girls pick each one

and blow them in the hopes of their crush liking them back

where the kids run free

not worrying about each other or their future student loans

where the boys chase the girls

because they'll be scared to in ten years

where this boy hides

to escape the girls who don't blow to make wishes anymore

and the boys who gave up trying to make their wishes come true

i don't smoke

i'm sad you left when you did

because i was just about to tell you everything

i was going to tell you that i love the taste of your mouth after you smoke

i was going to tell you that i didn't really like that band as much as you did

i was going to tell you that i hate hiking

more than anything

i was going to tell you about the time i drove to Portland in one day just to get a donut

i was going to tell you that at night i wonder if you talk in your sleep

i was going to tell you why i was always hesitant to talk to you in the halls

i was going to tell you that you look sexiest in a white tee and black skinny jeans

i was going to tell you that i love you

but you walked away before i could utter a word

and now these words seem meaningless yet i want to hold onto them

but i can't

i have to let them go

because you left too soon

sheets

i lay in the sheets and imagine her arms around me.

her skin was always so soft.

so soft.

i lay in the sheets and feel her eyelashes bat against my chest.

she was never one to sleep deeply.

and because of her i never slept.

i lay in the sheets and wish her lips were slow dancing in the moonlight with mine.

her lips were curved just the right way when she smiled.

her lips were so pale.

i lay in the sheets and wonder if she would every lay in these sheets with me.

but she is too precious for this.

she shouldn't waste her nights under sheets stained with alcohol and ashes and regrets.

she should be sleeping in sheets of silk with a man that will not ruin her innocence.

a man who won't break her heart when his ex comes knocking on their door.

a man who is everything i am not.

i lay in the sheets and wish i could be that man.

but i can't afford roses when nicotine has jumped in price.

and she is smoke i can only try to catch in my hands, not smoke that can put me back to sleep.

breakup letter

dear summer,



you suck.

yeah, i said it.

i honestly just don't get why you make everyone wet with the thought of your swimming pools and popsicles and 100 degree weather. i don't understand what is so appealing about your bikini body and tan lines when you're burning everybody to death. i hate everything about you because you always get my hopes up in december and break my heart in july. you may be hot as hell but i know that you're a stone cold bitch.

you always bring someone beautiful into my life in june and then make them leave by august. you always make my skin peel and you always screw up my sleeping schedule. you always make me stay inside and you always deepen my depression. you always make my eyes sensitive to the light from eleven in the morning to three in the afternoon. you always make me visit the graves. you always hurt me summer.

you always hurt me.

but i'm not going to let you do that anymore.

my shrink said i have to take control of my life and Nelson told me to write. so this is me taking control and writing you a letter telling you to f#*! off. it's time that we went our separate ways because i don't need your negativity and heat stroke in my life. all i need are my laptop and my a/c and this blog to get me through.



have a nice life,

james



p.s. your sister fall is way more attractive anyway