hi mom.

i know you read my blog sometimes.

i saw you looking at it on your iPad the other day.

and i know you don't want me to know that you do.

but i'm not an idiot.

i know.

but i don't know how often you read what i write.

and i hope it's not too frequently.

because there are some things about me that i don't think you'll want to know.

trust me.

but if you are reading this there are a few things you should know.

things that i can't tell you directly.

because you would slap me.

or you would cry.

1. i swear.

a lot.

i say fuck all the time.

even under my breath when we're in the same room.

2. i have gone to third base with someone in the past month.

someone i know you don't like.

sorry.

3. i hate going to church more than anything in the world.

4. i want to get a tattoo.

i know you already know this and that you think i won't do it.

but i'm already looking for artist.

i was being serious when i told you about it in the car last week.

5. i have done more self harm than i have told you about.

i didn't want to scare you.

so i kept my mouth shut.

6. i don't like my current therapist.

i can't be open up to her because i feel like she would judge me.

i feel the same way about you.

7. i love you.

more than anyone.

and i don't tell you these things because i love you too much.

i don't want you to hate me.

i don't want you to feel cheated with the one child that you got.

so when you ask me deep questions and i don't answer please don't get mad at me.

i'm doing it for your own good.

i'm doing it so that you'll ask me those questions tomorrow, and the day after that.

i'm doing it so you'll love the parts of me that i show you.

i only want you to see the good in me.

i want to save you from the bad.

i don't want to break your heart.

but the lord know's i already have.



i love you mom.



i'm sorry.

here i am.

is anyone still here?

if you are, i'm sorry i left.

i just couldn't write for a while.

it hurt too much.

and it sill hurts.

but i'm here.

i'm ready to bleed.

i'm ready to fall again.

because i miss the scars this gave me.

i miss cutting myself open and stitching myself back together.

i miss telling strangers my secrets.

so here i am.

here i am.

listen.

acclimatization

falling in love with you was like jumping into a pool after soaking in a hot tub

it took my breath away and it gave me such a rush, but it happened all too fast



and now i'm just cold

it's 1:39 am

if a guy walked in here with a gun and pointed it to my head

and if he asked me if i had any last words before he pulled the trigger

i would say that i love you

because i wouldn't want to die without saying it out loud 

even if you weren't around to hear me say it

blue blood and red wine

if you saw the blood that flows in my veins

maybe you'd remember how beautiful i was on the inside

see this blood was royal and had notes of blue

but you tainted it with the nicotine that traced your breath

it pumped through my heart when you kissed my neck

my blood slowed down when your lips brushed alcohol

but it never stopped flowing darling because you said i was like wine

because it knew when you murmured my name to him

because it moved when you told him that my lips were soft

but it halted when you kissed him and my heart stopped

it's been two months and i don't know how i'm living

because this blood is cold and its barely moving

but your's is burning and it's .08 precent wine

at least i'm in your blood like your in mine

their both pumping as result of our mistakes

but yours is hot and mine is frozen and yours i crave

so pour me a glass of your boiling elixir to warm my blood

i'll toast to our health and to our broken hearts love

and i'll knock it back and feel it burn in my veins

with your hand on my chest you'll feel the pumps begin

and i'll wish you wanted a glass of me to feel us again

but i know you'd never drink it cause it was never sweet like his

so i'll just savor the cup of you i had and let my veins feel warm and sore

and your red will make this blue blood beautiful once more

3:01

it's three in the morning and all i can think about is what your skin felt like when it stroked my cheek.

and i don't know why i'm still fixated on it because it only happened twice.

and you always said that my lips were so soft but they were rough compared to your touch darling.

and you would play Billie Holiday in the car because i loved her and perhaps you loved me.

but i highly doubt you did because you never told me you would be leaving in two weeks.

but your touch felt like love and i hope my lips felt like love to you because they were filled with it.

so when you kiss him tonight, touch him the way you touched me.

because if i can never experience it again, at least let another get a taste of what heaven feels like.

wax wings sun water

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"

i am falling and these wings of mine are useless as shit. the sea is below me and it looks cold as f&$% and i'm scared. i don't want to fall Dad. i don't want to die Dad.

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"

she looks so beautiful and when i look at her my heart feels like it's plummeting. i know that i can't let myself go but i can't help myself. she is the sun. i am wax.

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"

i am climbing mount olympus to find the gods but i'm at the top and all i see are clouds. i hope they're hiding. i want them to be responsible for my fate. i don't want to be responsible for my stupidity.

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"

the sea is getting closer and i can almost feel the cold. so i turn to face the sun, i turn to face my Dad crying in anguish. he said to fly low. but i just wanted to soar.

"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm falling"




"hi, i'm Icarus, i'm fal