i saw you looking at it on your iPad the other day.
and i know you don't want me to know that you do.
but i'm not an idiot.
i know.
but i don't know how often you read what i write.
and i hope it's not too frequently.
because there are some things about me that i don't think you'll want to know.
trust me.
but if you are reading this there are a few things you should know.
things that i can't tell you directly.
because you would slap me.
or you would cry.
1. i swear.
a lot.
i say fuck all the time.
even under my breath when we're in the same room.
2. i have gone to third base with someone in the past month.
someone i know you don't like.
sorry.
3. i hate going to church more than anything in the world.
4. i want to get a tattoo.
i know you already know this and that you think i won't do it.
but i'm already looking for artist.
i was being serious when i told you about it in the car last week.
5. i have done more self harm than i have told you about.
i didn't want to scare you.
so i kept my mouth shut.
6. i don't like my current therapist.
i can't be open up to her because i feel like she would judge me.
i feel the same way about you.
7. i love you.
more than anyone.
and i don't tell you these things because i love you too much.
i don't want you to hate me.
i don't want you to feel cheated with the one child that you got.
so when you ask me deep questions and i don't answer please don't get mad at me.
i'm doing it for your own good.
i'm doing it so that you'll ask me those questions tomorrow, and the day after that.
i'm doing it so you'll love the parts of me that i show you.
i only want you to see the good in me.
i want to save you from the bad.
i don't want to break your heart.
but the lord know's i already have.
i love you mom.
i'm sorry.
